5 More Things That Would Be Better If You Added Wolves

This is an amazing story.

When wolves were reintroduced to Yellowstone National Park in the United States after being absent nearly 70 years, the most remarkable “trophic cascade” occurred. What is a trophic cascade and how exactly do wolves change rivers? George Monbiot explains in this movie remix.

In short, when the wolves came back, it caused the elk to start avoiding certain areas. In these areas the trees grew back. Then the birds came back to the park to nest in the trees. Then beaver came back because beaver like to eat trees. And then the beaver started to build dams and changed the course of the rivers. You get the picture.

So it started me thinking about where else we could introduce wolves and the positive effects it might bring.

5. The Kitchen

wolf-litchen

OMG Sandy you look amazing! It looks like you’ve lost 20 pounds.

Hello Margaret. Actually, 25. And thanks.

What is it, Pilates?

No. We have wolves in the kitchen.

That sounds awful.

No, actually it’s great. It took some getting used to but it’s really great. I find I’m not snacking as much as I used to. You know, what with the wolves and all. Also, I don’t have to remind the kids to put the dishes in the dishwasher. They know how the smell of food gets the wolves all riled up.

We’ve also adopted a mostly vegetarian diet. It’s not that we stopped buying meat, it’s just that the wolves tear it out of the bag as soon as we walk in.

4. Family Room

livingroom-wolf

Sandy your kids look great, too. So fit and tan.

Yeah well now that the wolves are in the kitchen some of them naturally have migrated to the family room.

Oh dear.

That’s what I thought, too. But it’s really working out well. The kids used to come home from school and sit on the couch and play video games. Now they play outside until I come home.

3. Schools

wolfschool

Principal Daniels how is this year going?

Oh, Sandy.  It’s terrific.

How so?

Well, normally we would have some kids skipping classes but not since we added the wolves. All of the kids go to class as quickly as possible. The janitors say there is less trash, almost no graffiti. Teachers say test scores are up, too. The kids all sit very still. They also seem unusually focused.

2. Congress

wolf-congress

Mr. Speaker this has been a surprisingly effective session.

Thank-you Principal Daniels.

To what do you attribute the dramatic change?

Well a lot of times Senators and Congressmen would leave sessions early or skip them altogether. Amazing what a pack of wolves roaming the halls will do. Nobody wants to leave the session early.

It is safer to travel in one large group.

Yeah. And the partisan politics, the ideological differences seem small when you’re staring down a pack of wolves. None of the usual lobbyists are willing to even enter the building. Everyone just stays in their seats and works.

So, it’s all good then?

Well, mostly. None of the usual lobbyists will enter but now we’re inundated with new ones from the National Park Service. We’re funding those guys out the ass.

1. Justin Bieber concert

Steve! Did you take Emma to the Justin Bieber concert last night?

Oh man, I sure did. You know I thought it was going to be boring but it was amazing.

So you saw him-

Get disemboweled by the wolves? I sure did. So great. Right after he finished, “Baby”.

Wow, so you had to sit through the whole concert?

No. He opened with, “Baby” I guess he closes with “Boyfriend”?

That makes sense.

Yeah. Anyways, so he starts rapping. He whips his shirt off and I guess the sudden movement or maybe the terrible rapping… Here look. This is one where his throat’s getting torn out.

Wow.

And here’s one where two wolves have him. One has each leg and they’re pulling…

Cool. Hey what does that wolf have in his mouth, the tip of his pinky?

No that’s actually his entire penis. It is both surprisingly small and flaccid.

I bet Emma was devastated.

It’s hard to say. I mean she was screaming and crying, they all were. But you know how teenage girls are.

Yeah. These pictures are amazing. And you look great in all of them.

Thanks. Did you think the duckface in the one with his entrails was too much?

No! I have to be honest I used to hate selfies. But these are great.

wolfselfie

I know, right? Wolves make everything awesome!

TL;dr Wolves make everything awesome

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5 Reasons You Should Still Care About Cannibals

“M&M’s are all different colors on the outside, just like us. But they all taste the same. This is an important lesson for people: specifically, cannibals.” – Taylor Swift 1989

These are M&M's

Like Taylor Swift they will melt your heart, not your hands.

As I listened to Taylor Swift’s new album 1989, and pondered these lyrics, it really got me thinking about cannibals.

Now the word cannibal comes from the word Canibales which was the Spanish name for the Caribs, a West Indies tribe that formerly practiced cannibalism. (courtesy Wikipedia)

But it sounds almost exactly like the word cannon ball. I know it’s not much of an issue now but it must have been a real issue for early explorers.

Magellan Arrives

Are you sure stopping here is a good idea? I hear it’s dangerous.

Nonsense. I’m told it’s loaded with cannon balls.

Well, I guess you can never have too many of those. Let’s go.

I know that was a long time ago. But what about Mariah Carey?

Mariah Carey is not a cannibal

not a cannibal

Yes. Mariah Carey. Specifically, what about Nick Cannon’s balls? When they were married I know I often thought, “Wow. I guess we know who has Nick Cannon’s balls.”

Even though they are divorced, I can still imagine her on some tropical vacation.

I am going to chase so many waterfalls. In your Face T-Boz

I am going to chase so many waterfalls. In your Face T-Boz

And someone saying something, something cannibals and she hears something, something Nick Cannon’s balls.

Now a lot of you are probably thinking, “So what? Has she really done anything decent since Rainbow in 1999?” (obviously not counting All I Want For Christmas (Is You)

Fine. So we let Mariah Carey go. But what about how much cannibal sounds like cannabis?

woah

woah

So, yeah. How often have you heard this?

I don’t know. I thought we were all going to get high. Then they ate Steve.

So, in conclusion, listen carefully.

If you’re thinking, that was not 5 reasons, perhaps you can help by leaving a good reason in the comments.

7 Awkward Conversations – featuring Aquaman

aquaman

A lot of people make fun of Aquaman but I think he’s one of the big three. Right up there with Superman and Batman. And yes 71% of the world is covered by water so technically he has a much bigger territory than other superheroes. But I think there is not as much ocean based crime as you might think. So, I think Aquaman probably spends a lot of time standing (swimming?) around making small talk with fish.

humpback-whale-with-young

I’m not saying it’s bad whalesong, I’m just saying I prefer their early stuff.

 

tuna_yellowfin4

So, when you say you feel like sushi, you mean it in a more metaphysical sense.

What else would you mean? Nothing. I’m just saying that’s what I thought you meant.

 

orca_spyhopping-noaa

When have you ever heard me say anything besides Orca? I never use the k word. I understand that it’s okay if you say it. That you’re part of the community. Oh sure I might have said Killah Whale but that’s not the same thing.

 

California_spiny_lobster

I need your help finding a lost ship. Why do you keep asking me what I had for dinner? Oh. I’m still wearing the bib. Yeah, this is awkward.

 

blue-whale

No, I’ve never tried krill. No, I hear it’s amazing.

dolphin-main

I guess if you consider the entire ocean your home than yes I’ve gone to the bathroom in, ‘your home’. But you just took a shit on my kitchen floor. No, it is different.

Shellfish1

You want to take a selfie with me? A shelfie? No, I get it. Because you’re a shellfish. Are you sure this iPhone 6 Plus is waterproof? No, look it’s ruined. I didn’t do anything to it. Do you have any rice? No I’m not talking about making a tasty jambalaya. I know you didn’t say tasty.  Well, at least you didn’t bend it.

Cops vs. Firemen

It’s funny how everyone hates cops and loves firemen. And the reason is that we hold cops up to ridiculous standards while firemen get a free ride.

Bad boy, bad boy, whatcha gonna do? Go to your room.

Bad boy, bad boy, whatcha gonna do? Go to your room.

Now I know there are black guys reading this who hate cops because cops like to arrest people for being black. And that stinks. You go right ahead and hate cops. I have no quarrel with you. So don’t kill me. Not that I thought you would. 

Sinbad boy, Sinbad boy, whatcha gonna do?

Sinbad boy, Sinbad boy, whatcha gonna do?

But most people hate cops for just doing their jobs. Like when a cop pulls you over for speeding and has the nerve to give you a ticket… for speeding.

It is a gun, ma'am. But that's not to say I'm not happy to see you.

It is a gun, ma’am. But that’s not to say I’m not happy to see you.

Imagine if people felt this way about other professions?

God damned waitress bringing me my food in a prompt and courteous manner. 

Stupid teacher explaining stuff to my kid in a thoroughly engaging way, while at the same time making the material accessible.

And if you applied this logic to firemen?

What’s the matter, Joe?

Fucking firemen, man.

What happened?

First of all, you know me, right? You know I never arson. But today I’m going to work and I’m running late. So, I decide to burn down this structure that was in my way. And wouldn’t you know it today of all days, as soon as it catches, guess who shows up?

Fireman?

Fucking Fireman. And you know everyone arsons. What’s next? They’re going to tell me I can’t light the birthday candles on my cake? It wasn’t even like a house. It was a shed. That’s barely arsoning. They shouldn’t even call it arson. They should call it toasting or something and they should just let you off with a warning.

We have so much respect for firemen but such derision for cops. God forbid a cop should stop for a cup of coffee, let alone a donut. Firemen are in the firehouse eating lavish meals that include, but are not limited to delicious sandwiches made with olive oil based mayonnaise.

A fireman’s job is much easier than a cop’s job. Cops have to go out and look for crime. They drive around looking for people breaking the law. But fireman just sit around the firehouse. Why? Because buildings have something called smoke detectors. Not fire detectors mind you, smoke detectors. Smoke is what happens if something is just thinking about being a fire. So thanks to smoke detectors, firemen get called and told when there’s going to be a fire. Now cops have burglar alarms but those only go off when the crime is actively in progress. And crimes are fast. Fires last a long time.

And think about when firemen arrive at a fire. If they need water, there are fire hydrants everywhere. Cops don’t get that. He has to carry bullets wherever he goes. They should have bullet hydrants for cops all over the city.

And firemen get trucks. The don’t even call them trucks because they’re so specialized. They call them fire engines. They are designed to be the absolute optimal vehicle for fighting fires. Cops get a regular car. Maybe it has some lights on top of it and a glass divider between the front and back seat. A cop car is just a less intimidating taxi. Because at least a taxi is bright yellow. A fire engine is bright red. A police car is black and white. Is that supposed to strike fear in your heart? Who decided on that color scheme? Look at what else is black and white.

Panda

Panda

Dalmations

Dalmations

Zebra

Zebra

Ooh scary. 

Who are you calling Willy?

Who are you calling Willy?

Okay an orca. But you know you were thinking panda. And I think the rows of razor sharp teeth are the big scare factor on the orca. A cop riding an orca would definitely be intimidating.

And while no one can deny that when firemen enter a fire it’s super dangerous. More dangerous than a cop entering a crime? Maybe. But it is nice when you realize that a lot of the time firemen can stand outside of the fire and simply point their hoses at it.

Lets think about cops if we set them up like a firemen. Two guys are outside a jewelry store just thinking about robbing it. And no they’re not black guys you racist. Maybe one of them. If there’s a black guy it’s just because statistically there’s like a 14% chance that one of them is black. Just don’t get me started on Mexicans. Anyways, the crime alarm goes off. The guy raises his arm to break the glass and 6 cops come roaring up on a crime engine. It’s 30 ft long and 13 ft wide and there are six cops on it each carrying an axe. They jump off and hook their guns up to the bullet hydrants and then they just start spraying unlimited bullets in the general direction of the crime.

How much longer would crime even exist? A week?

So in conclusion, you should really show more love for cops. Or at the very least, hate firemen.

How to find any celebrity naked on the internet including Alison Brie Naked, Emma Stone Naked, and Jennifer Lawrence Nude Naked Naked

This post is 100% safe for work provided you can safely view a naked Barbie doll at work.

This weekend a huge cache of naked celebrity photos was released on the internet. Everyone went nuts. Which surprised me for a couple reasons. First because people went crazy for naked pictures of Jennifer Lawrence. If you don’t know who she is here is a picture of her from one of the X-Men movies.

Jennifer Lawrence nude

Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique

If you can’t picture in your mind what she looks like naked, you have no imagination. Like clinically, you have no imagination. Like if you were asked to think of a number between 1 and 10 you would probably have to look at your phone.

Second, because you can see any celebrity naked on the internet whenever you want. Now you’re thinking, I don’t want to see a Photoshopped celebrity naked. Let me break some more bad news to you. If you think the “real” photos of celebrities on the internet are not Photoshopped you are sadly mistaken. But I’m not talking about Photoshopped naked celebrities. I’m talking about real celebrities naked online whenever you want. I call this method putting one window on top of another.

For the purpose of our example I Googled “Scarlett Johansson” and then, for a safe for work example, I opened a new window and I Googled “Naked Barbie Doll” (Note: You will still get lots of naughty results when you Google this. Just like you will if you Google “Nude stockings” “Love horses” or “cantaloupe”.

So the way this method works is you place the window with the picture of the celebrity head on top of the window with the naked body in it.

Scarlett Johansson naked

This is what Scarlett Johansson totally naked looks like (roughly)

Presto! You now have a picture of Scarlett Johansson naked and it is not Photoshopped. And this method works for any celebrity. And you don’t have to download anything to your computer! Take that NSA! And mom!

And this is great for fetish lovers, too. Want to see pictures of Alison Brie naked? Why not Alison Brie naked as a Centaur?

alison brie nude

Okay Alison Brie naked from the waist down as a centaur.

Emma Stone naked destroying Tokyo?

emma stone nude

Emma Stone is naked and angry

And if you’re not into naked celebrities, but you love Celebrity historical slash fiction, why not an intimate picture of Jennifer Lawrence and Taylor Swift writing the Declaration of Independence?

jennifer lawrence taylor swift lesbian three way

How about, “You have the right to a three way, ladies?”

So feel free to make your own and upload them in the comments.

4 Reasons Your Children Are Doomed

I don’t have any children. This was not an accident. The reason I don’t is because I would be a terrible, terrible parent. I know this. The problem with most people is that they lack this level of self awareness. Or they just, you know, love doin’ it. So they become terrible, terrible parents and ruin the children. As a public service I have outlined some of the problems with children today. They think the world revolves around them, they’re being protected from things that they need to be exposed to, and they’re proud of everything they should be embarrassed about.

The most popular songs on the radio are vapid numbers from children’s movies. 

Two of the biggest songs on the radio are Let It Go from Frozen and Happy from Despicable Me 2. And not just on the radio. These two songs are inescapable.  In the interest of full disclosure, I have not seen Frozen, I have seen Despicable Me 2. It’s not nearly as good as the first one. Kristen Wiig doesn’t even do a voice. She just does Kristen Wiig voice. Same goes for Kristen Bell in Frozen. What’s with people named Kristen not doing voices? (That may be a whole other article.)

These songs are full of stupid. A room without a roof is happy? A room without a roof is cold and damp. Oh, it’s summer? Then it’s filled with bugs. You know what’s happy? A room with a roof. 

Smokey the Bear called and he wants your hat. So he can set it on fire... in a dry clearing.

Smokey the Bear called and he wants your hat. So he can set it on fire… in a dry clearing.

My parents took me to children’s movies when I was young, but they didn’t go home and rock out to, Whistle While You Work.  Why? Well for one thing they were busy actually going to work, and not whistling. They also understood that children need to live in the adult world and that the world doesn’t need to bend over backwards to accommodate them. Plus there are valuable lessons to be learned from Adult Contemporary music. That’s how I learned I was not alone in my appreciation for big butts, as well as the importance of being truthful about it.

Maybe John Travolta mispronounced Idina Menzel’s name because he hasn’t bought in to the whole children rule the universe thing. He’s busy doing adult activities like meeting men at rest stops and worshipping aliens. 

The Meridian School District in southwest Idaho have voted to ban an award winning novel after some parents complained. 

200px-The_Absolutely_True_Diary_of_a_Part-Time_Indian

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie is a National Book Award winning novel  about a 14-year-old whose transfer makes him the only Native American in an all-white school. Objections are based on discussions of sex, abuse, alcoholism, or on racist or profane statements from some characters.

The irony is you know the people behind this book burning, I mean banning are the same people who tell their children Obama is a Socialist. Full disclosure I read the fuck out of this book and it is amazing. Yes, it talks about abuse, alcoholism, and racism and SPOILER ALERT it comes out against all of these things. It’s okay for kids to learn that these things are wrong. Maybe that’s what one of the parents meant when she said

…the book forces children to encounter words “we do not speak in our home.”

Possibly. I’ll have to go back and see how many times the word “tolerance” comes up.

Fat shaming and slut shaming. 

Here’s where everyone who was onboard with me jumps off. That’s okay you were probably fat anyway. I kid. In the interest of full disclosure I am crazy fat. I want to explore these two topics with a caveat.  Any kind of bullying is wrong. That’s a non starter. Also, no one should be judged because of their weight. Finally, women are not, “asking for it” if they dress in a style that you find arousing. 

But let’s talk about the absurd things being defended under the umbrella of these terms. 

Valerie Bertinelli is complaining about, “fat shaming” because she gained weight. If Valerie my neighbor made this statement I would be right behind her (see previous statement about big butts) saying, “You go girl!” Maybe even going as far as to say “gurl.”

But Valerie Bertinelli is a paid spokesperson for Jenny Craig. It is literally her job to be thin. Some people might argue she’s no longer the spokesperson, but that’s unclear. According to this Ad Age article she started as paid spokesperson in April 2007. Jenny Craig released a statement saying in part

…Valerie Bertinelli spent seven successful years as a spokesperson for Jenny Craig…

now I’m not Neil deGrasse Tyson but that sounds to me like she is or was spokesperson  really recently. (Look at me using facts and shit.)

Jenny Craig website says,

When you combine delicious food with the personalized support of a one-on-one consultant, the result is weight loss from a program that works… Your Jenny consultant helps build your life-changing program

Well SPOILER  ALERT: It doesn’t. And if you don’t believe me ask Kirstie Allie.

But getting back to my point, and I do have one. Valerie Bertinelli wants people to stop commenting on her weight gain, in spite of the fact that her job description has one line: do not gain weight. Imagine a professional basketball player saying, “I wish people would stop “not scoring baskets shaming me”. Or an accountant saying, “Why is everyone talking about how I can’t do math?”

And the other thing. This whole idea of beauty on the inside is great. But we’re really kidding ourselves that there aren’t real health risks associated with being overweight. I only wish fat shaming worked. If the guy at KFC said to me, “You sure you want the 9 piece bucket, fatty? Because you only ordered one soda?” I would probably be in better shape. 

Also. Have you seen the ad campaign for Planet Fitness? No lunks (ie people who are in excellent physical condition) and no gymtimidation (people who want you to achieve fitness goals)  Basically their pitch is: if you go to our gym we promise that no one there is in good shape and no one will pressure you to show any results. Basically their campaign boils down to, you know how you have one exercise bike with laundry hanging off of it in your basement? We have 50.  Isn’t their campaign, in fact, just “fit shaming”? Like how they attacked that mom who said she has three kids but still finds time to stay in shape? She’s just a mom who happens to like to wear exercise clothes. 

MariaKang

And that brings us right to slut shaming.  Apparently there’s a middle school where the girls want to wear yoga pants to class. These are yoga pants. 

Yoga-Pants-21

I know they have the word “pants” in them but they’re not pants. Anymore than underpants are pants. Now, I’ll admit they should not have given the reason that the pants are “too distracting” for the boys. Here’s the real reason. (climbs on old man stump)

There are clothes that are, and are not appropriate for school. School is a serious place. You’re there to learn. Think about what the teachers are wearing. They are respecting a dress code and it probably isn’t even a formal one. They just understand implicitly what is and is not appropriate to wear. Thank about what you might wear to another place you want to be respectful and serious. Say, a funeral. Anyone who wants to reply and say “I wear yoga pants to funerals all of the time.” I say, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

And it’s not sexist. They’re not letting boys wear yoga pants. Have you ever gone to a high school wrestling match? The boys wear something called a singlet. This is a singlet.

Singlet-2

In the history of the world I don’t think any boy has thought, “I should totally wear this perfectly appropriate sports attire to class.”

It’s okay for children to not be constantly entertained. It’s okay for children to be exposed to new and interesting ideas. Eat an apple. Put on a nice sweater. We do not want to raise a generation of self absorbed, ignorant, overly sexualized kids. What would they do? What kind of lives would they have? 

Nobody is talking to you Kris Jenner so put your god damned hand down. 

Seven Alternate and Ultimately More Satisfying Finales To How I Met Your Mother

Image

The finale for How I Met Your Mother will probably go down in history as one of the most hated finales ever.

WARNING SPOILERS ABOUND:

First, because it is incredibly sad. Robin and Barney divorce after three years. Barney continues to have nothing but empty relationships into his forties. Robin becomes estranged from all of her friends. Barney finds fulfillment in his bastard child of a one night stand (but apparently,  is still incapable of maintaining a committed, fulfilling, romantic relationship with someone his own age.) Ted’s wife dies. Tragically. Incredibly young with two small children.  And Robin who has lived a solitary life for years might possibly find happiness with Ted.

But honestly after nine years don’t we all know that they are in fact not compatible in a romantic sense? Isn’t that well established within the confines of the show? Or was that in fact not the show we spent nine years watching?

Which brings me to my second major criticism; what was the point of the last two seasons? Weren’t they to establish that Robin and Barney were meant to be together? And isn’t it odd that the reason Barney and Robin break up is not because Barney is incapable of commitment but apparently because he doesn’t like going on nice vacations with her?

So, you’re probably asking, “Oh so I suppose you have a better idea for an ending?” No. I have SEVEN better ideas for endings.

1. How I Met Your Mother is nothing but the extended masturbatory fantasies of Doogie Howser.

doogie-howser

If we learned anything from St. Elsewhere it’s that any long running show is probably just the dream of a young boy. And unlike the autistic child in St. Elsewhere, HIMYM is easily explained as: Doogie was jerking it. Think about it. It’s a never ending parade of beautiful women being tricked into having sex with a man using schemes thought up by a 13 year old boy.

Robin is actually based on a hot patient Doogie treated at the hospital, and Ted is clearly the grown up version of Doogie’s best friend Vinnie. Lily and Marshal are probably friends of his parents that he uses when he needs some “variety”.

Final Scene Series Finale: Doogie’s mom walks into his bedroom with a basket of laundry. Doogie, who is under the blanket rolls over on his side and shouts, “Jesus, can’t you knock!” A bottle of Jergens and a box of Kleenex are prominently displayed on the night stand. His mom smiles, shakes her head, and walks out. Doogie grabs the bottle of Jergens lotion and says, “Now where were we… Robin.”

2. How I Met Your Mother is a false reality that Willow is trapped in by the Trio.

Abracadabra

We all remember that Alyson Hannigan played Willow Rosenberg on Buffy The Vampire Slayer which next to Freaks and Geeks is probably the best show ever on television. Towards the end of the series Willow became a super powerful lesbian witch. Well a super powerful witch, who was also a lesbian. I’m not sure how powerful a lesbian she was.

So what if the Trio (the three geeks who thought they were super villains starting in season six) in an attempt to stop Willow, have her injected with demon poison which makes her believe she is a kindergarten teacher. Hard to believe? Why? This is basically the plot of “Normal Again” the 17th episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 6 where Buffy is convinced that she is a mental patient and her life as the Slayer is all a delusion.

pic00031nq2

Think about it: why is Lily attracted to Robin throughout the series? Because Willow is gay. Lily is kind of a diminutive of the name Willow. Lily’s last name is Aldrin, like Buzz Aldrin, the astronaut. Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon. there’s a full moon in the opening credits to Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

Final Scene Series Finale: Tara gives Willow the antidote to the demon poison. Buffy kills the demon. Cobie Smulders is introduced as Mary Mountains, the new girl at school with an untreated sex addiction. The ten remaining minutes of the episode are a naughty slumber party with Willow and Tara, and Cobie and Eliza Dushku, and Sarah Michelle Gellar and Elisha Cuthbert (because I always confuse her name with Eliza Dushku). Four minute tickle fight, followed by six minutes of heavy petting.

It's not just me, it's a real thing.

It’s not just me, it’s a real thing.

3. How I Met Your Mother is a hallucination brought on by Nick Andopolis  smoking marijuana laced with PCP. 

tumblr_mhxi7eh3aO1rrvu69o1_500

We all remember that Jason Segel played Nick Andopolis on Freaks and Geeks. Nick had an overbearing father who thought he was a loser, and Nick loved to smoke marijuana. So what if Nick smoked marijuana laced with PCP?

Think about it: Nick always wanted to please his father so what better way than to be a successful lawyer and then judge? But dream Nick also kills his father (not literally, but his father dies of a heart attack). And could Lily be Nick’s dream version of Millie Kentner? Lindsay’s super religious friend?

Final Scene Series Finale: Nick is in a mental hospital in a straight jacket. The doctor’s tell his parents that he has suffered permanent brain damage due to the PCP laced cigarette. Nick is placed in a ward with… Buffy Summers who had delusions that she was a vampire slayer! (see previous finale idea. This is like a double dream sequence.)

4. How I Met Your Mother is a delusion created to protect the mind of Maria Hill while her body is being repaired after she is mortally wounded in the Battle of New York.

 So, Cobie Smulders plays S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Maria Hill in all of the Marvel movies like The Avengers, and Captain America, and tv shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. As we’ve learned in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Agent Phil Coulson is mortally wounded in the Battle of New York so he is taken to a secret base where he is brought back to life. His mind is filled with false memories of time spent recuperating in Tahiti.

So, maybe something similar happened to Agent Maria Hill. But this time an unscrupulous S.H.I.E.L.D. doctor who looks exactly like Ted Mosby injects himself into her false memories so that when she wakes up, she can take care of his two unruly children (sort of like the Kurt Russell /Goldie Hawn movie Overboard) Also, so they can bang.

Overboard_film

Final Scene Series Finale: Maria Hill wakes up in bed in the doctor/Ted Mosby’s house. Everything has come back to her. The doctor walks out of the bathroom: the bed is empty. He calls for Robin. She replies from off screen, “I’ll be right there!” Ted/doctor says, “So, Robin, after all these years, now we bang?” Cobie Smulders’ eyes narrow. We cut to her in the full leather S.H.I.E.L.D. issue jumpsuit. She is holding a pistol. She replies, “Yeah, now we bang.” With a double tap she puts two bullets in his head. 

SHIELD_MARIA-HILL_IRON-MAN-3_

Phil Coulson waits outside in his flying car. He tells Maria they need her on a special project code named: The Initiative. She will be going undercover as… a student named Mary Mountains! (Maria Hill/Mary Mountains, get it? You didn’t think I was going anywhere with that did you?)

5. How I Met Your Mother, the Scooby Doo Ending

Marshal slaps Ted so hard that his face is revealed to be a rubber mask. He is the owner of the Haunted Amusement Park. And he would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling kids.

Final Scene Series Finale: Marshal eats a ridiculously large sandwich

Super_Shaggy_Sandwich

6. How I Met Your Mother, The All Dinosaur Ending

 Marshal, Lily and Robin are revealed to be the Marshalls-Rick Marshall, Will, and Holly from   Land of the Lost. Ted and Barney are revealed to be Fred and Barney from the Flintstones.

Final Scene Series Finale: Everyone is eaten by dinosaurs. Then the dinosaurs eat a ridiculously large sandwich. Wilma and Betty have a tickle fight.

Land_of_the_Lost_(1974)_-_Grumpy_and_a_Pylon

 7. How I Met Your Mother, the super gay yet surprisingly reasonable ending.

Barney and Robin get divorced when Barney realizes that all of those years of skirt chasing were his way of overcompensating for something he didn’t want to admit to himself: that he is gay, just like his brother.

Ted realizes that maybe he always finds faults with perfectly good women because he is also gay. Ted and Barney get married and open a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont. Lily and Robin confess the feelings they’ve always had for each other. Feelings that the show has mentioned (at least from Lily’s point of view) on multiple occasions.

Lily, Marshal, and Robin enter into a polyamorous relationship. They decide to move to Utah where they can raise their kids without government interference.

Final Scene Series Finale: While on their way to Utah, they stop in Colorado. Marshal decides to sneak out and smoke a perfectly legal marijuana cigarette, he has no idea that it is laced with PCP. Unaware, Lily and Robin are in their hotel room having a tickle fight.

I didn't draw this. It was drawn by Bibi Bibo. If you click on it you will visit his page with many more like it. So much tickling.

I didn’t draw this. It was drawn by Bibi Bibo. If you click on it you will visit his page with many more like it. So much tickling.

Vaccinations Are Designed To Kill You: Just Like Airbags

Whenever I hear people argue that children should not be vaccinated, I think about airbags. This is how Wikipedia describes airbags:

An airbag is a vehicle safety device. It is an occupant restraint system consisting of a flexible fabric envelope or cushion designed to inflate rapidly during an automobile collision. Its purpose is to cushion occupants during a crash and provide protection to their bodies when they strike interior objects such as the steering wheel or a window.

Now, that seems like a pretty good idea, right? But here’s the thing. I went to this other site called howstuffworks and it has an article called How Airbags Work. You can read the whole article here. But here are some key points:

The sensor is the device that tells the bag to inflate. Inflation happens when there is a collision force equal to running into a brick wall at 10 to 15 miles per hour

sounds good.

The airbag’s inflation system reacts sodium azide (NaN3) with potassium nitrate (KNO3) to produce nitrogen gas. Hot blasts of the nitrogen inflate the airbag.

Well, I’m not a chemist so I should probably look those chemicals up.

The inflation system is not unlike a solid rocket booster. The airbag system ignites a solid propellant, which burns extremely rapidly to create a large volume of gas to inflate the bag. The bag then literally bursts from its storage site at up to 200 mph

Are you kidding me? So now I’m a little nervous. Because I started out going 10 to 15 mph and now I have a rocket going 200 mph going off in my face?

Let’s look up those chemicals. The first one was sodium azide. I know sodium is salt. And too much sodium isn’t good for you.  For more about the dangers of too much sodium read this from the American Heart Association.

I’m not sure what azide is. I’m pretty sure it’s the little Indian guy from Parks and Recreations. (Edit: it’s not. That’s Aziz Ansari and it’s a common mistake.)

Here’s what the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention has to say about Sodium Azide.

Sodium azide is a rapidly acting, potentially deadly chemical that exists as an odorless white solid.
When it is mixed with water or an acid, sodium azide changes rapidly to a toxic gas with a pungent (sharp) odor. It also changes into a toxic gas (hydrazoic acid) when it comes in contact with solid metals (for example, when it is poured into a drain pipe containing lead or copper).
The odor of the gas may not be sharp enough, however, to give people sufficient warning of the danger.

Are you kidding me? Well at least there’s no chance of it coming in contact with solid metals in my car, which is made out of… solid metal. Well what about the other chemical. Potassium nitrate. I know potassium is in bananas. And potassium is definitely good for you. Listen to what Web MD says about potassium:

Potassium exists in abundance in soil and seawater. A healthy amount of potassium is essential to all plant and animal life. A critical electrolyte, potassium allows our muscles to move, our nerves to fire, and our kidneys to filter blood. The right balance of potassium literally allows the heart to beat.

I made that end part bold. But I mean, come on, how great is that? Although nitrates aren’t good for you, right? Isn’t that one of the things in bacon that’s bad for you? Yes. Look at the information I found on healthychild.org

Nitrates are a normal part of the diet, but excessive levels can cause problems, especially for kids who pound for pound take in more than adults do. They have been linked to diseases like leukemia, non-Hodgkin lymphoma, and ovarian, colon, rectal, bladder, stomach, esophageal, pancreatic, and thyroid cancer.

Jesus. But maybe potassium nitrate is different? It is. Here’s what Princeton University has to say about Potassium nitrate:

Potassium nitrate is a chemical compound with the formula KNO3. It occurs as a mineral niter and is a natural solid source of nitrogen. … Major uses of potassium nitrate are in fertilizers, rocket propellants and fireworks; it is one of the constituents of gunpowder.  

Wait a minute, they put gunpowder in airbags? The same gunpowder they put in bullets? I’m not going to bore you by looking up statistics on the dangers of bullets. That would be silly. But airbags do work like rockets. I read that earlier. So rockets and gunpowder are clearly relevant.  So check out some of the statistics on the dangers of fireworks sourced from American Pyrotechnics Association, National Council on Firework Safety and found on statisticbrain.com

  • Number of injuries per 100 lbs of Fireworks used- 3.5
  • Number of deaths in the US annually due to fireworks- 4
  • Number of serious injuries in the US each year by fireworks- 9,300
  • Percent of injuries caused by illegal fireworks- 40 %
  • Percent of injuries incurred by kids under the age of 14- 45 %
  • Number of Americans who lose sight in one or both eyes due to fireworks- 400
  • Number of US fires caused each year due to fireworks- 20,000

As an aside, we should really ban fireworks. They seem super dangerous. But so do airbags, right? At least when I start to do some research on the internet.

What is wrong with car manufacturers? Why would they put these things in cars? Is it possible that they know more about airbags than I do? Because I’ve done a lot of research. And not just Wikipedia research. Real research. Sites like Web MD which has MD right in the name. And Princeton University which is a really prestigious University that would not accept me in spite of my extensive list of extra curriculars and a personal essay highlighting my decisive victory in the 8th grade track and field day relay race.

Is it possible that the engineers who design airbags have done more research than I have? Is it possible that they went to school for engineering and then went to work and worked as engineers for years before becoming engineers who designed airbags?

Here’s an article from Automotive Engineer about the inventor of the airbag John Hetrick, and the evolution of the airbag:

Daimler proved the technology’s durability during more than 250 impact tests using complete vehicles, over 2,500 sledge impact tests and many more tests on individual components. A fleet of 600 test vehicles was also run to ensure that the airbag wouldn’t deploy during normal driving conditions.

After 13 years in development, Daimler brought the technology to the market in its 1981 Mercedes-Benz S-Class luxury sedan.

It took time for the technology to enter mainstream production, but Hetrick’s work over 50 years ago has helped to save many lives. In the US alone, airbags have saved more than 28,000 lives to date.

But that isn’t the end of the story. Because I can feel the anti vaccine people getting ready to pounce. Why? Because air bags are really dangerous for children. It’s true. They’re even dangerous for adults who are not wearing seatbelts.  Here’s an article from the DMV about proper airbag safety. It says:

The first rule for safe vehicle airbags is that frontal systems are not designed for youngsters. Frontal airbags can be dangerous or even fatal to the following:

  • Infants or babies in backward-facing child seats.
  • Small children in forward-facing child seats.
  • Older children belted only by the waist-belt, but not the shoulder belt.
  • Any child who is below the weight limit for the front seat and belt without a booster seat, which is typically about 12 years old.

Safety experts indicate the safest place for a child in a vehicle is in the back seat, fastened in a properly-fitted child car seat suited for the child’s weight. Side or so-called curtain airbags are safe for children riding in the back.

And that’s not all. Because in my quest to be absolutely fair I have to mention faulty airbags. Just the other day Toyota issued a recall for 119,000 2003 Toyota Avalon sedans due to faulty airbags.  Pretty terrible right? A good reason to stop installing airbags. Because how many cars has Toyota produced? Like a million, right? Or ten million? Oh, wait. Apparently Toyota has produced 200 million vehicles. But in fairness that took 50 years. We should probably look at a smaller period. So … the latest 50 million vehicles assembled in just six years and five months, a rate of roughly one car every four seconds.  So that’s 6 and a half years, not 10. So even using that number, we find .2% of their cars not actually having defective airbags, but merely having potential airbag problems.

So, the point of this article is that you can do well intentioned research and still come to a poorly reasoned solution. I still feel confident that I don’t know anything about airbags. Although from the  research I did they seem pretty dangerous and I’m pretty sure we should remove them. But I also found something else interesting. I was pretty sure nitrates were bad for me. So I was googling “are nitrates bad for you”.  I found a lot of articles. But that was based on a preconceived notion I had in my head. So for fun I also googled “are nitrates good for you”. And I was able to find a lot of research that they were. But only when I looked for it. The same was true for potassium.

I’m often amazed how people are so willing to not trust doctors when it suits them. Very few people cut their arm off with a chainsaw and call their acupuncturist.  My father-in-law had a heart and later a kidney transplant. That means they took his working heart out of his chest and put someone else’s heart in in place of it. Did I mention the other guy was dead? And that they brought his heart over in an igloo cooler that they probably bought at a CVS? Does that sound like a good idea? Do you think you could make  an educated decision about that based on information you found online?

Which brings me to another point. I’m amazed how willing people are to listen to “experts” on medical topics who lack any formal medical training, as long as they have some type of advanced degree. Take my mother for instance. My mother has a Masters from Columbia in History.  She graduated with honors. She is incredibly smart. She also loves The Good Wife. She watches it every week. There are something like 112 episodes. So, she’s watched over 100 hours of legal drama. And they have technical advisors on the show so the law should be accurate.  I mean come on, it’s written by people who are in the same room as a lawyer. How much more do you need? But I’ll be damned if I’m going to let my mother represent me in court. No matter how smart she is and no matter how much third hand legal knowledge she’s absorbed.

And by the way, I believe the earth is round. Even though I’ve never done any first hand research and I barely understand the science. Or maybe I only think I barely understand it.  And I believe China exists even though I’ve never been there. It’s great to do your own research but it’s also important to admit when you may not have the necessary background and training to understand what you’ve found.

And I’m keeping my airbags.