5 More Things That Would Be Better If You Added Wolves

This is an amazing story.

When wolves were reintroduced to Yellowstone National Park in the United States after being absent nearly 70 years, the most remarkable “trophic cascade” occurred. What is a trophic cascade and how exactly do wolves change rivers? George Monbiot explains in this movie remix.

In short, when the wolves came back, it caused the elk to start avoiding certain areas. In these areas the trees grew back. Then the birds came back to the park to nest in the trees. Then beaver came back because beaver like to eat trees. And then the beaver started to build dams and changed the course of the rivers. You get the picture.

So it started me thinking about where else we could introduce wolves and the positive effects it might bring.

5. The Kitchen

wolf-litchen

OMG Sandy you look amazing! It looks like you’ve lost 20 pounds.

Hello Margaret. Actually, 25. And thanks.

What is it, Pilates?

No. We have wolves in the kitchen.

That sounds awful.

No, actually it’s great. It took some getting used to but it’s really great. I find I’m not snacking as much as I used to. You know, what with the wolves and all. Also, I don’t have to remind the kids to put the dishes in the dishwasher. They know how the smell of food gets the wolves all riled up.

We’ve also adopted a mostly vegetarian diet. It’s not that we stopped buying meat, it’s just that the wolves tear it out of the bag as soon as we walk in.

4. Family Room

livingroom-wolf

Sandy your kids look great, too. So fit and tan.

Yeah well now that the wolves are in the kitchen some of them naturally have migrated to the family room.

Oh dear.

That’s what I thought, too. But it’s really working out well. The kids used to come home from school and sit on the couch and play video games. Now they play outside until I come home.

3. Schools

wolfschool

Principal Daniels how is this year going?

Oh, Sandy.  It’s terrific.

How so?

Well, normally we would have some kids skipping classes but not since we added the wolves. All of the kids go to class as quickly as possible. The janitors say there is less trash, almost no graffiti. Teachers say test scores are up, too. The kids all sit very still. They also seem unusually focused.

2. Congress

wolf-congress

Mr. Speaker this has been a surprisingly effective session.

Thank-you Principal Daniels.

To what do you attribute the dramatic change?

Well a lot of times Senators and Congressmen would leave sessions early or skip them altogether. Amazing what a pack of wolves roaming the halls will do. Nobody wants to leave the session early.

It is safer to travel in one large group.

Yeah. And the partisan politics, the ideological differences seem small when you’re staring down a pack of wolves. None of the usual lobbyists are willing to even enter the building. Everyone just stays in their seats and works.

So, it’s all good then?

Well, mostly. None of the usual lobbyists will enter but now we’re inundated with new ones from the National Park Service. We’re funding those guys out the ass.

1. Justin Bieber concert

Steve! Did you take Emma to the Justin Bieber concert last night?

Oh man, I sure did. You know I thought it was going to be boring but it was amazing.

So you saw him-

Get disemboweled by the wolves? I sure did. So great. Right after he finished, “Baby”.

Wow, so you had to sit through the whole concert?

No. He opened with, “Baby” I guess he closes with “Boyfriend”?

That makes sense.

Yeah. Anyways, so he starts rapping. He whips his shirt off and I guess the sudden movement or maybe the terrible rapping… Here look. This is one where his throat’s getting torn out.

Wow.

And here’s one where two wolves have him. One has each leg and they’re pulling…

Cool. Hey what does that wolf have in his mouth, the tip of his pinky?

No that’s actually his entire penis. It is both surprisingly small and flaccid.

I bet Emma was devastated.

It’s hard to say. I mean she was screaming and crying, they all were. But you know how teenage girls are.

Yeah. These pictures are amazing. And you look great in all of them.

Thanks. Did you think the duckface in the one with his entrails was too much?

No! I have to be honest I used to hate selfies. But these are great.

wolfselfie

I know, right? Wolves make everything awesome!

TL;dr Wolves make everything awesome

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