Cops vs. Firemen

It’s funny how everyone hates cops and loves firemen. And the reason is that we hold cops up to ridiculous standards while firemen get a free ride.

Bad boy, bad boy, whatcha gonna do? Go to your room.

Bad boy, bad boy, whatcha gonna do? Go to your room.

Now I know there are black guys reading this who hate cops because cops like to arrest people for being black. And that stinks. You go right ahead and hate cops. I have no quarrel with you. So don’t kill me. Not that I thought you would. 

Sinbad boy, Sinbad boy, whatcha gonna do?

Sinbad boy, Sinbad boy, whatcha gonna do?

But most people hate cops for just doing their jobs. Like when a cop pulls you over for speeding and has the nerve to give you a ticket… for speeding.

It is a gun, ma'am. But that's not to say I'm not happy to see you.

It is a gun, ma’am. But that’s not to say I’m not happy to see you.

Imagine if people felt this way about other professions?

God damned waitress bringing me my food in a prompt and courteous manner. 

Stupid teacher explaining stuff to my kid in a thoroughly engaging way, while at the same time making the material accessible.

And if you applied this logic to firemen?

What’s the matter, Joe?

Fucking firemen, man.

What happened?

First of all, you know me, right? You know I never arson. But today I’m going to work and I’m running late. So, I decide to burn down this structure that was in my way. And wouldn’t you know it today of all days, as soon as it catches, guess who shows up?

Fireman?

Fucking Fireman. And you know everyone arsons. What’s next? They’re going to tell me I can’t light the birthday candles on my cake? It wasn’t even like a house. It was a shed. That’s barely arsoning. They shouldn’t even call it arson. They should call it toasting or something and they should just let you off with a warning.

We have so much respect for firemen but such derision for cops. God forbid a cop should stop for a cup of coffee, let alone a donut. Firemen are in the firehouse eating lavish meals that include, but are not limited to delicious sandwiches made with olive oil based mayonnaise.

A fireman’s job is much easier than a cop’s job. Cops have to go out and look for crime. They drive around looking for people breaking the law. But fireman just sit around the firehouse. Why? Because buildings have something called smoke detectors. Not fire detectors mind you, smoke detectors. Smoke is what happens if something is just thinking about being a fire. So thanks to smoke detectors, firemen get called and told when there’s going to be a fire. Now cops have burglar alarms but those only go off when the crime is actively in progress. And crimes are fast. Fires last a long time.

And think about when firemen arrive at a fire. If they need water, there are fire hydrants everywhere. Cops don’t get that. He has to carry bullets wherever he goes. They should have bullet hydrants for cops all over the city.

And firemen get trucks. The don’t even call them trucks because they’re so specialized. They call them fire engines. They are designed to be the absolute optimal vehicle for fighting fires. Cops get a regular car. Maybe it has some lights on top of it and a glass divider between the front and back seat. A cop car is just a less intimidating taxi. Because at least a taxi is bright yellow. A fire engine is bright red. A police car is black and white. Is that supposed to strike fear in your heart? Who decided on that color scheme? Look at what else is black and white.

Panda

Panda

Dalmations

Dalmations

Zebra

Zebra

Ooh scary. 

Who are you calling Willy?

Who are you calling Willy?

Okay an orca. But you know you were thinking panda. And I think the rows of razor sharp teeth are the big scare factor on the orca. A cop riding an orca would definitely be intimidating.

And while no one can deny that when firemen enter a fire it’s super dangerous. More dangerous than a cop entering a crime? Maybe. But it is nice when you realize that a lot of the time firemen can stand outside of the fire and simply point their hoses at it.

Lets think about cops if we set them up like a firemen. Two guys are outside a jewelry store just thinking about robbing it. And no they’re not black guys you racist. Maybe one of them. If there’s a black guy it’s just because statistically there’s like a 14% chance that one of them is black. Just don’t get me started on Mexicans. Anyways, the crime alarm goes off. The guy raises his arm to break the glass and 6 cops come roaring up on a crime engine. It’s 30 ft long and 13 ft wide and there are six cops on it each carrying an axe. They jump off and hook their guns up to the bullet hydrants and then they just start spraying unlimited bullets in the general direction of the crime.

How much longer would crime even exist? A week?

So in conclusion, you should really show more love for cops. Or at the very least, hate firemen.

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