4 Reasons Your Children Are Doomed

I don’t have any children. This was not an accident. The reason I don’t is because I would be a terrible, terrible parent. I know this. The problem with most people is that they lack this level of self awareness. Or they just, you know, love doin’ it. So they become terrible, terrible parents and ruin the children. As a public service I have outlined some of the problems with children today. They think the world revolves around them, they’re being protected from things that they need to be exposed to, and they’re proud of everything they should be embarrassed about.

The most popular songs on the radio are vapid numbers from children’s movies. 

Two of the biggest songs on the radio are Let It Go from Frozen and Happy from Despicable Me 2. And not just on the radio. These two songs are inescapable.  In the interest of full disclosure, I have not seen Frozen, I have seen Despicable Me 2. It’s not nearly as good as the first one. Kristen Wiig doesn’t even do a voice. She just does Kristen Wiig voice. Same goes for Kristen Bell in Frozen. What’s with people named Kristen not doing voices? (That may be a whole other article.)

These songs are full of stupid. A room without a roof is happy? A room without a roof is cold and damp. Oh, it’s summer? Then it’s filled with bugs. You know what’s happy? A room with a roof. 

Smokey the Bear called and he wants your hat. So he can set it on fire... in a dry clearing.

Smokey the Bear called and he wants your hat. So he can set it on fire… in a dry clearing.

My parents took me to children’s movies when I was young, but they didn’t go home and rock out to, Whistle While You Work.  Why? Well for one thing they were busy actually going to work, and not whistling. They also understood that children need to live in the adult world and that the world doesn’t need to bend over backwards to accommodate them. Plus there are valuable lessons to be learned from Adult Contemporary music. That’s how I learned I was not alone in my appreciation for big butts, as well as the importance of being truthful about it.

Maybe John Travolta mispronounced Idina Menzel’s name because he hasn’t bought in to the whole children rule the universe thing. He’s busy doing adult activities like meeting men at rest stops and worshipping aliens. 

The Meridian School District in southwest Idaho have voted to ban an award winning novel after some parents complained. 


The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie is a National Book Award winning novel  about a 14-year-old whose transfer makes him the only Native American in an all-white school. Objections are based on discussions of sex, abuse, alcoholism, or on racist or profane statements from some characters.

The irony is you know the people behind this book burning, I mean banning are the same people who tell their children Obama is a Socialist. Full disclosure I read the fuck out of this book and it is amazing. Yes, it talks about abuse, alcoholism, and racism and SPOILER ALERT it comes out against all of these things. It’s okay for kids to learn that these things are wrong. Maybe that’s what one of the parents meant when she said

…the book forces children to encounter words “we do not speak in our home.”

Possibly. I’ll have to go back and see how many times the word “tolerance” comes up.

Fat shaming and slut shaming. 

Here’s where everyone who was onboard with me jumps off. That’s okay you were probably fat anyway. I kid. In the interest of full disclosure I am crazy fat. I want to explore these two topics with a caveat.  Any kind of bullying is wrong. That’s a non starter. Also, no one should be judged because of their weight. Finally, women are not, “asking for it” if they dress in a style that you find arousing. 

But let’s talk about the absurd things being defended under the umbrella of these terms. 

Valerie Bertinelli is complaining about, “fat shaming” because she gained weight. If Valerie my neighbor made this statement I would be right behind her (see previous statement about big butts) saying, “You go girl!” Maybe even going as far as to say “gurl.”

But Valerie Bertinelli is a paid spokesperson for Jenny Craig. It is literally her job to be thin. Some people might argue she’s no longer the spokesperson, but that’s unclear. According to this Ad Age article she started as paid spokesperson in April 2007. Jenny Craig released a statement saying in part

…Valerie Bertinelli spent seven successful years as a spokesperson for Jenny Craig…

now I’m not Neil deGrasse Tyson but that sounds to me like she is or was spokesperson  really recently. (Look at me using facts and shit.)

Jenny Craig website says,

When you combine delicious food with the personalized support of a one-on-one consultant, the result is weight loss from a program that works… Your Jenny consultant helps build your life-changing program

Well SPOILER  ALERT: It doesn’t. And if you don’t believe me ask Kirstie Allie.

But getting back to my point, and I do have one. Valerie Bertinelli wants people to stop commenting on her weight gain, in spite of the fact that her job description has one line: do not gain weight. Imagine a professional basketball player saying, “I wish people would stop “not scoring baskets shaming me”. Or an accountant saying, “Why is everyone talking about how I can’t do math?”

And the other thing. This whole idea of beauty on the inside is great. But we’re really kidding ourselves that there aren’t real health risks associated with being overweight. I only wish fat shaming worked. If the guy at KFC said to me, “You sure you want the 9 piece bucket, fatty? Because you only ordered one soda?” I would probably be in better shape. 

Also. Have you seen the ad campaign for Planet Fitness? No lunks (ie people who are in excellent physical condition) and no gymtimidation (people who want you to achieve fitness goals)  Basically their pitch is: if you go to our gym we promise that no one there is in good shape and no one will pressure you to show any results. Basically their campaign boils down to, you know how you have one exercise bike with laundry hanging off of it in your basement? We have 50.  Isn’t their campaign, in fact, just “fit shaming”? Like how they attacked that mom who said she has three kids but still finds time to stay in shape? She’s just a mom who happens to like to wear exercise clothes. 


And that brings us right to slut shaming.  Apparently there’s a middle school where the girls want to wear yoga pants to class. These are yoga pants. 


I know they have the word “pants” in them but they’re not pants. Anymore than underpants are pants. Now, I’ll admit they should not have given the reason that the pants are “too distracting” for the boys. Here’s the real reason. (climbs on old man stump)

There are clothes that are, and are not appropriate for school. School is a serious place. You’re there to learn. Think about what the teachers are wearing. They are respecting a dress code and it probably isn’t even a formal one. They just understand implicitly what is and is not appropriate to wear. Thank about what you might wear to another place you want to be respectful and serious. Say, a funeral. Anyone who wants to reply and say “I wear yoga pants to funerals all of the time.” I say, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

And it’s not sexist. They’re not letting boys wear yoga pants. Have you ever gone to a high school wrestling match? The boys wear something called a singlet. This is a singlet.


In the history of the world I don’t think any boy has thought, “I should totally wear this perfectly appropriate sports attire to class.”

It’s okay for children to not be constantly entertained. It’s okay for children to be exposed to new and interesting ideas. Eat an apple. Put on a nice sweater. We do not want to raise a generation of self absorbed, ignorant, overly sexualized kids. What would they do? What kind of lives would they have? 

Nobody is talking to you Kris Jenner so put your god damned hand down. 


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