Seven Alternate and Ultimately More Satisfying Finales To How I Met Your Mother

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The finale for How I Met Your Mother will probably go down in history as one of the most hated finales ever.

WARNING SPOILERS ABOUND:

First, because it is incredibly sad. Robin and Barney divorce after three years. Barney continues to have nothing but empty relationships into his forties. Robin becomes estranged from all of her friends. Barney finds fulfillment in his bastard child of a one night stand (but apparently,  is still incapable of maintaining a committed, fulfilling, romantic relationship with someone his own age.) Ted’s wife dies. Tragically. Incredibly young with two small children.  And Robin who has lived a solitary life for years might possibly find happiness with Ted.

But honestly after nine years don’t we all know that they are in fact not compatible in a romantic sense? Isn’t that well established within the confines of the show? Or was that in fact not the show we spent nine years watching?

Which brings me to my second major criticism; what was the point of the last two seasons? Weren’t they to establish that Robin and Barney were meant to be together? And isn’t it odd that the reason Barney and Robin break up is not because Barney is incapable of commitment but apparently because he doesn’t like going on nice vacations with her?

So, you’re probably asking, “Oh so I suppose you have a better idea for an ending?” No. I have SEVEN better ideas for endings.

1. How I Met Your Mother is nothing but the extended masturbatory fantasies of Doogie Howser.

doogie-howser

If we learned anything from St. Elsewhere it’s that any long running show is probably just the dream of a young boy. And unlike the autistic child in St. Elsewhere, HIMYM is easily explained as: Doogie was jerking it. Think about it. It’s a never ending parade of beautiful women being tricked into having sex with a man using schemes thought up by a 13 year old boy.

Robin is actually based on a hot patient Doogie treated at the hospital, and Ted is clearly the grown up version of Doogie’s best friend Vinnie. Lily and Marshal are probably friends of his parents that he uses when he needs some “variety”.

Final Scene Series Finale: Doogie’s mom walks into his bedroom with a basket of laundry. Doogie, who is under the blanket rolls over on his side and shouts, “Jesus, can’t you knock!” A bottle of Jergens and a box of Kleenex are prominently displayed on the night stand. His mom smiles, shakes her head, and walks out. Doogie grabs the bottle of Jergens lotion and says, “Now where were we… Robin.”

2. How I Met Your Mother is a false reality that Willow is trapped in by the Trio.

Abracadabra

We all remember that Alyson Hannigan played Willow Rosenberg on Buffy The Vampire Slayer which next to Freaks and Geeks is probably the best show ever on television. Towards the end of the series Willow became a super powerful lesbian witch. Well a super powerful witch, who was also a lesbian. I’m not sure how powerful a lesbian she was.

So what if the Trio (the three geeks who thought they were super villains starting in season six) in an attempt to stop Willow, have her injected with demon poison which makes her believe she is a kindergarten teacher. Hard to believe? Why? This is basically the plot of “Normal Again” the 17th episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 6 where Buffy is convinced that she is a mental patient and her life as the Slayer is all a delusion.

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Think about it: why is Lily attracted to Robin throughout the series? Because Willow is gay. Lily is kind of a diminutive of the name Willow. Lily’s last name is Aldrin, like Buzz Aldrin, the astronaut. Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon. there’s a full moon in the opening credits to Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

Final Scene Series Finale: Tara gives Willow the antidote to the demon poison. Buffy kills the demon. Cobie Smulders is introduced as Mary Mountains, the new girl at school with an untreated sex addiction. The ten remaining minutes of the episode are a naughty slumber party with Willow and Tara, and Cobie and Eliza Dushku, and Sarah Michelle Gellar and Elisha Cuthbert (because I always confuse her name with Eliza Dushku). Four minute tickle fight, followed by six minutes of heavy petting.

It's not just me, it's a real thing.

It’s not just me, it’s a real thing.

3. How I Met Your Mother is a hallucination brought on by Nick Andopolis  smoking marijuana laced with PCP. 

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We all remember that Jason Segel played Nick Andopolis on Freaks and Geeks. Nick had an overbearing father who thought he was a loser, and Nick loved to smoke marijuana. So what if Nick smoked marijuana laced with PCP?

Think about it: Nick always wanted to please his father so what better way than to be a successful lawyer and then judge? But dream Nick also kills his father (not literally, but his father dies of a heart attack). And could Lily be Nick’s dream version of Millie Kentner? Lindsay’s super religious friend?

Final Scene Series Finale: Nick is in a mental hospital in a straight jacket. The doctor’s tell his parents that he has suffered permanent brain damage due to the PCP laced cigarette. Nick is placed in a ward with… Buffy Summers who had delusions that she was a vampire slayer! (see previous finale idea. This is like a double dream sequence.)

4. How I Met Your Mother is a delusion created to protect the mind of Maria Hill while her body is being repaired after she is mortally wounded in the Battle of New York.

 So, Cobie Smulders plays S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Maria Hill in all of the Marvel movies like The Avengers, and Captain America, and tv shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. As we’ve learned in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Agent Phil Coulson is mortally wounded in the Battle of New York so he is taken to a secret base where he is brought back to life. His mind is filled with false memories of time spent recuperating in Tahiti.

So, maybe something similar happened to Agent Maria Hill. But this time an unscrupulous S.H.I.E.L.D. doctor who looks exactly like Ted Mosby injects himself into her false memories so that when she wakes up, she can take care of his two unruly children (sort of like the Kurt Russell /Goldie Hawn movie Overboard) Also, so they can bang.

Overboard_film

Final Scene Series Finale: Maria Hill wakes up in bed in the doctor/Ted Mosby’s house. Everything has come back to her. The doctor walks out of the bathroom: the bed is empty. He calls for Robin. She replies from off screen, “I’ll be right there!” Ted/doctor says, “So, Robin, after all these years, now we bang?” Cobie Smulders’ eyes narrow. We cut to her in the full leather S.H.I.E.L.D. issue jumpsuit. She is holding a pistol. She replies, “Yeah, now we bang.” With a double tap she puts two bullets in his head. 

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Phil Coulson waits outside in his flying car. He tells Maria they need her on a special project code named: The Initiative. She will be going undercover as… a student named Mary Mountains! (Maria Hill/Mary Mountains, get it? You didn’t think I was going anywhere with that did you?)

5. How I Met Your Mother, the Scooby Doo Ending

Marshal slaps Ted so hard that his face is revealed to be a rubber mask. He is the owner of the Haunted Amusement Park. And he would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling kids.

Final Scene Series Finale: Marshal eats a ridiculously large sandwich

Super_Shaggy_Sandwich

6. How I Met Your Mother, The All Dinosaur Ending

 Marshal, Lily and Robin are revealed to be the Marshalls-Rick Marshall, Will, and Holly from   Land of the Lost. Ted and Barney are revealed to be Fred and Barney from the Flintstones.

Final Scene Series Finale: Everyone is eaten by dinosaurs. Then the dinosaurs eat a ridiculously large sandwich. Wilma and Betty have a tickle fight.

Land_of_the_Lost_(1974)_-_Grumpy_and_a_Pylon

 7. How I Met Your Mother, the super gay yet surprisingly reasonable ending.

Barney and Robin get divorced when Barney realizes that all of those years of skirt chasing were his way of overcompensating for something he didn’t want to admit to himself: that he is gay, just like his brother.

Ted realizes that maybe he always finds faults with perfectly good women because he is also gay. Ted and Barney get married and open a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont. Lily and Robin confess the feelings they’ve always had for each other. Feelings that the show has mentioned (at least from Lily’s point of view) on multiple occasions.

Lily, Marshal, and Robin enter into a polyamorous relationship. They decide to move to Utah where they can raise their kids without government interference.

Final Scene Series Finale: While on their way to Utah, they stop in Colorado. Marshal decides to sneak out and smoke a perfectly legal marijuana cigarette, he has no idea that it is laced with PCP. Unaware, Lily and Robin are in their hotel room having a tickle fight.

I didn't draw this. It was drawn by Bibi Bibo. If you click on it you will visit his page with many more like it. So much tickling.

I didn’t draw this. It was drawn by Bibi Bibo. If you click on it you will visit his page with many more like it. So much tickling.

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